The try dive- part two

That's it on the right. The pool. Place of my dread, (though not any more) and my first try dive.

I last left you (picture if you will) watching me stood chest deep in water (I'm 5'11" so it comes to just around my rib cage) wearing everything to go diving in. Everyone else is in cool black wet suits or shorties (that's a one piece wet suit that goes from t-shirt length to mid thigh- keep you warm in the water, but they're a bugger to get off!) and I'm in a big thick t shirt and shorts.

So much for appearance, but I'm not doing this to win any fashion awards.

"never hold your breath" she says, and I'm not. Breathing through the regulator (the black mouthpiece on the BCD) is strange at first- the air is normal 'air', that standard 21% / 79% mix of oxygen and nitrogen we breathe every day of our lives.

The air is also dry, and cool. It's just like breathing normally. Another weird phrase- breathing normally. I'm about to dunk my head under the water and do what I've never been able to do in my life- breathe down there.

First test- bending over (don't get any ideas of innuendo) and putting my face into the water whilst breathing through the regulator.

This is strange, turbulent, and noisy. All I can hear is my own breathe bubbling out past me from the regulator and a steady stream of bubbles coming out the bottom. i can hear my own breath like I'm watching a bad science fiction movie with a guy in the space suit and they put the sound of his breathing over the soundtrack to incite tension.

At this moment, I don't need any more tension than I'm already getting!

I get a friendly "well done" from Chris and a hand shake- this proves to be the standard method of congratulations- a well done and a hand shake. if you do well, you get two hand shakes- a normal "english gentleman" one, and a "thumb to thumb" one to follow.

"Now we're going to kneel down and submerge our heads in the water" she says. I get the briefing about the signal to submerge (thumb down- its exactly like the signal used by Roman emperors of old to indicate the imminent death of a gladiator and... I'll stop now, because you know where my psyche was going with this!) and we go beneath the water.

The water is blue. It colors the white tiled floor, the walls, and everything in it. Descending beneath that surface for the first time, Chris has got hold of a shoulder strap on my BCD (I reckoned afterwards it was to hoike me up in case I panicked), and I was kneeling- fighting to get my balance because believe me, for a first time it's not easy- on the bottom of the pool with the water inches above my head.

I could do this. i could breathe. I could live. I could do what i had dreamed of doing, looked on in slight envy (not nasty envy, but the good natured kind) of others who do this thing all the time.

I was breathing, the stream of bubbles extending upwards to bounce on the surface of the water inches above me.

Then, in the middle of this, the fear hit. What if I swallowed water? What if I took the regulator out of my mouth? Like a man with vertigo perched on the edge of a building with the insane notion to leap into the void, what if I did the same thing in the pool? What if....

Fingers clicked under my gaze. Once, twice, a third time and they drew my attention upwards.

Chris has eyes you can lose yourself in. They held me and wouldn't let me go at that point. She's known me for around sixteen years and apart from my own wife, I very much doubt there's another person alive who knows me quite so well. She also knows what I do when I get scared and at that point she wasn't prepared to let me go into silent panic.

Afterwards she told me that on a rescue diver course (I think) they talk about silent panic- when someone goes internal and unresponsive instead of thrashing around. The treatment is to engage them and not let them get catatonic.

"Look at me" she said. Actually, as we were underwater, she didn't say it; but that was her gesture- in her hands, and in her eyes- "look-at-me"

And so I did- my breathing calmed, the noise steadied from an incoherent rumble of air exhaled through a regulator to a repetitive bass line, a percussion rattle of exhalation within the otherwise silent world of blue.

And then I noticed something else.

Beyond her, I could see the surface of the pool. Blue water, back lit by orange sodium lamps hanging on the ceiling- each a distorted globe through the ripples making currency of golden air bubbles upon the shifting surface.

In that moment my fear lost the battle to wonder.

Fear has to be conquered in steps. From standing, to kneeling, next came lying down. Imagine my surprise to find myself lying prone on the surface, breathing normally- still a little raggedly, but normally just the same.

She batted her hands like paddles and pointed to a corner- would I like to go for a swim? In a moment of acceptance I nodded- and in that too lies the path to overcoming fear- simple acceptance.

Acceptance you can breathe, that the equipment will keep you alive, and the person with you will stay with you all the time and not let anything happen to you. Once round the shallow end and my trepidation rose but this time, it fell just as fast. Twin sides of the same coin fought for dominance- I was breathing- but what if I swallowed water? But why should I? But what if I did? But I'm not going to.

I thought about panicking. I actually did- but you know what? I couldn't be bothered.

It's that simple. I just couldn't be bothered to feel afraid. Fear takes a small amount (or a large amount) of effort. I was alive with wonder at the thought that here's me, afraid since the age of seven, and I'm swimming underwater with a regulator. Maybe not happily, but certainly not panicking or fearful either. I was doing this!!!

We stopped at the edge of the slope to the 3m deep end. The purpose of the try dive is to 'try diving'- simple, really. It's all part of the PADI system (professional institute of diving instructors- they have other acronyms- one of Chris' is "Pay and Dive instantly", which she should charge money for) and the try dive is designed to get you into the water and experiencing the world of scuba diving.

Which is precisely what I was doing.

Looking over the edge, the vertigo came but this time in a different way- no desire to drown, to pluck the regulator out or fill my lungs with fluid- instead, I wanted to dive off- to jump in, to be down there with a yearning that filled me- I'd been scared of the deep end for too long and now, here, was a chance to go into that deep end and feel it.

And you know what they say about fear? Experience it, face it, overcome it- so I did.

We slid down the gradient to the deep end so I felt safe, equalizing the air spaces within my head by clenching my nose and blowing gently. Once down there, Chris had me doing hand stands (the cylinder banged into the back of my skull on that one!) and a barrel roll.

Exhilaration began to take over, fear began to depart, and although my trepidation would still remain, anxiety would still remain- even fear itself would still remain, I had made steps- strides, even- in just one night.

Back up to the shallows, standing up in the water, and taking the regulator out. The try dive was over, and you know what? I didn't get one gentleman's hand shake, I didn't just get the thumb grip as well- I got a huge hug and a beaming grin from this woman who dragged, cajoled, guided, gently pressurized, lead, and supported me into that pool and to the depths that night. She never let me quit, she knew I could do this, and she was right.

I'd had so much support from the rest of the dive school- instructors and members alike- from the moment I arrived to the debrief afterward (a beer and a Donner-pizza- surely the most bizarre recipe for a pizza I'd ever heard of!). Zoe, Balders, Damien, Mick, Mick, and Mick to name but a few (there's a lot of Mick's in this school-change your name if you're thinking of going diving because it seems to be the name of choice).

Fear can be beaten. I proved it to myself, but it has to be said that fear itself is like life. It's a road, a journey- sometimes the road is straight, sometimes it turns and things come at you out of the shadows. Sometimes you can deal with it, sometimes you can't.

It's not to be scoffed at, or ignored, but nor is it to be allowed to flourish, to dominate you to the point where it rules your actions and commands your thoughts. A little fear is a good thing because overconfidence is a weakness, but too much fear stagnates the soul.

I've met many instructors in this dive school on that night. I've come to know them since and they all have their own style. They have many things in common- professionalism, care, support, ability, and talent. Their attitude to fear is also something they all share- "you'll get through it", "we'll get you through it", "take things at your own speed", "relax and trust me", "you'll be alright" and "I'm not going to let you drown":- all phrases I've heard, and all phrases that, despite my anxiety, I'm happy to say have proven my fear wrong- the instructors were right every time.

They have helped with my fear so much that I recognized the road ahead. They helped me more than they know, but ultimately the road through conquering fear is one we all have to walk alone- however, allowing others to help is an important step. There is no false modesty here, no bravado, no arrogance- sometimes you need people with you to show you the way. Sometimes they know that's what they are doing, and sometimes they just act that way because that's how they 'are'.

So after all this, am I cured from my fear of water?

Nope. I'm still afraid- but the point is this- for one night I overcame my fear, and now the fear is slightly lessened than it was before.

Because as a result of the support shown by the diving team at that club, as a result of the gentle support and strength Chris lent me, and because of my own determination to not give in, I've signed up for the open water course. This will qualify me to dive to 18m when I pass.

Conquering your fear is a journey. This one started that night. Some people travel the world and remain themselves, some travel and find they are staring at the same person at the end of the journey as they were at the beginning.

I traveled further in one night by driving up the road, putting on the scuba gear, and going in the water.

and guess what?

I'm still traveling.....